I. 3am
15 months ago, while sitting on the ground at a bar in Berlin at 3am with a friend, they told me they were autistic, explained neurodivergence and masking to me, and recommended the book “Unmasking Autism: Discovering The New Faces Of Neurodiversity” by Devon Price. They told me they had recently learned about autism, after which they obsessively researched as much as they could about autism from books and youtube videos, which they later learned was a very autistic way to go about learning about autism.
In the next weeks, I read the book, and it resonated a lot with me, in particular the idea of masking — that in a society that stigmatizes neurodivergence, there is a lot of conscious and subconscious pressure from parents, society and even yourself to hide neurodivergent traits in various ways, such that at times you might not even be fully aware that’s what’s happening. Reading the book led to a lot of reflection, memories coming up, tenderness, and seeing different experiences and periods of life with a new perspective. I wasn’t totally sold on the entire framework and language of neurodiversity, but at the very least it felt like a reminder that people’s brains work differently, and that people have different needs and abilities, sometimes dramatically so, and sometimes in ways that are subtle and you might not realize. At once both obvious and frequently overlooked.
In the next months, I thought about it a lot, talked about the book with my parents and lots of other people, and wrote multiple half-finished poems and newsletters.
While I learned a lot from the book and connected with a lot of it, there were still some aspects I felt differently about, which I will get into a bit in the next sections.
II. Labels
After telling my parents a summary of “Unmasking Autism”, my dad said that he thinks that people in general have a range of different traits, and that these differences don’t really need a simplifying label like autism.
For example, attention to detail, he said is on a spectrum, but why would we categorically label different parts of the spectrum.
I agreed that different traits were on a spectrum, but suggested that being on a spectrum, and having labels for meaningful thresholds of difference, were not mutually exclusive, like the phase changes between steam, water and ice, and the difference between standing on top of a frozen lake and falling in.
I suggested that labels could also be helpful for talking about groups of seemingly unrelated traits that often come together, and that even if all traits were on a spectrum and multi-dimensional, if we have no word to describe this spectral and multi-dimensional thing, whatever it is, how can we talk about it?
He said that if I define autism so broadly, then probably the majority of professors in his department are autistic.
I said that might be true.
My mom pointed out we already have certain archetypal ideas of professors, like the “odd ball professor”.
He said that in his experience, when you give people a label, they will just grab onto it, and not really acknowledge the multi-dimensional, spectral nature of what we’re talking about, and if you tell people someone is autistic, you might as well just tell them that person is “Bozo the clown”, because that’s how they’ll see it afterwards.
I agreed, and said this was probably why I also was hesitant to write about this topic.
I could imagine people being able to interact with labels in a more nuanced way, knowing that labels will always be incomplete, placeholders, temporary, but that in my experience also people weren’t particularly good at doing this, for other people or themselves.
I didn’t want to be pigeonholed into a little box that says “I’m like this”, but I know many people will do that.
Then again, many people are doing that anyway regardless of what I do, and some are not, so maybe not worth losing sleep about.
My mom recalled a pediatrician we worked with who in retrospect seemed very autistic, and would talk to the children, but not make eye contact with the parents.
My dad recalled some other folks he had met.
My mom said she thought the pediatrician was a “classic autist”.
I said I would prefer not to talk about what a “classic autist” is, and she agreed.
III. Tylenol
The question of labels and identities, and when they are helpful or limiting, is something which could also be discussed for a lot of other topics, but this was not my only question with “Unmasking Autism”.
One theory that’s out there, is that there is nothing inherently negative about autism, and it is just normative stigma about autism that creates difficulties.
One clear example in this direction is the double empathy problem, described in this comic:
Basically there is a stereotype that autistic people are not as good at empathizing, but the double empathy problem is based on research that shows that autistic people are better at empathizing with other autistic people than allistic people are at empathizing with autistic people, which undermines the stereotype.
Similarly this comic is another great example of how stigma around autism effects how its viewed: https://wandering.shop/@newtsoda/109307894845439539
Researchers in this study found that autistic people were less swayed by money to do something they perceived as immoral, and described this as a pathology of autistic people, that “asd individuals, unlike healthy control subjects…have an excessive valuation of negative consequences when judging the moral appropriateness or permissibility of actions… inflexible when following a moral rule even though an immoral action can benefit them…” … interesting
From my perspective, stigma about neurodiversity is a big thing, and its great that more attention is being brought to it, and stigma is also not the only issue.
Trigger warning: the next link contains writing which will probably disturb many people, but I found interesting and helpful in many ways:
I appreciate the way that Tao Lin describes autism as a blessing and a curse, and describes a possible explanation for how it can be both.
This feels more nuanced to me than “autism is bad and all autistic traits should be cured” and “autism is just a misunderstood neurotype”, and fits more to my own personal experience too.
I know very little about astrology, but I was reminded of when I read “The Twelve Houses” by Howard Sasportas, and he explained how a mars placement in a particular house could show up in helpful (assertive, confident, taking initiative) or difficult (prone to anger and fighting) ways depending on circumstance.
I enjoy some aspects of what I experience as neurodivergence, and there are other aspects that I would like to reduce the effects of if possible, and they seem to vary over time and have different expressions.
Neurodivergence has also made me think about my relationship to phones differently and my interest in internet disconnection. I also have a lot of trouble multi-tasking in general, so maybe my phone is actually more distracting to me than someone else, even if most/all people experience this to some degree. Thinking about technology in terms of neurodivergence instead of one-size-fits-all.
I also found Tao Lin’s account of their experience when they were younger to be touching too.
The neuronormativitiy explanation doesn’t really get at why autism is increasing so much, or why it is linked with various environmental factors and health issues.
The case of tylenol is a good and relatively uncontroversial example.
Research has shown that taking tylenol during pregnancy is linked with higher rates of autism in children. In this study based on umbilical cord blood it was 2-3x higher. Here is a link to a review of many studies reaching the same conclusion. Over 50% of women in the globe have taken tylenol during pregnancy. This is likely not the only or primary factor, but one among many.
I can imagine a world where we try to reduce environmental toxins and reduce ableism that stigmatizes difference at the same time.
I actually don’t know if i’m autistic, on the spectrum, neurodivergent, or just a garden variety leo rising with fourth house placements.
But it’s been on my mind, and maybe others too. I imagine there’s more folks who are already talking about neurodiversity in nuanced ways too and I’d be happy to read some more.
It’s such a big and complicated subject, that I would guess no one understands perfectly right now and I’m learning about too. But I wanted to share my one little stone in the sea.
With love, max
p.s.
some other related perspectives:
according to human design, a somewhat questionable system combining astrology, the I Ching and Kabbalah, created by someone in the 1980s, I’m a reflector, which is a whole other framework.
There are also some experiences of autism that share a fair amount in common with experiences in the animal realm in the Six Lokas.
Anandamayi Ma frequently refers to herself as “this body”.